Out of My Hands

This is a poem that I wrote one night where I just really felt lost and confused about what my future has in store. I was feeling really torn about what to do and felt like I didnt have any control over it. But as I wrote it, I realized that it is probably best that I am not in control and that I am thankful that He is.

Out of control out of my hands

This is not the way I would have planned

I would have chosen to live in my fantasy

Rather than face this reality

Losing my grip

Losing my mind

Fighting for control

Only thinking in my time

Out of control out of my hands

Sometimes I feel Im too weak to stand

Feel like Im jumping off a high dive

Or like Im taking a never ending drive

Trying to keep my eye on the prize

But my eyes just arent the right size

Out of control out of my hands

Feeling like Im in sinking sand

Unsure of when the trials will end

Wondering if this path will ever bend

To where I want it to go

Do I even know?

Out of control out of my hands

But in Yours…

BB

The Journey

This is another one of my favorite poems. It is  a poem that I wrote for Jacob. It is basically the poem form of our entire story together and the journey we have taken...from my perspective. I still cry every time I read it.  Cue the AWWW's...

Spent so many years searching for the one who I would love

I didn’t see that you were there all along.

You were such a great friend, but I never saw more,

I had no idea what God had in store.

Then that one fateful day when I looked your way

And I saw you in a new light

But the timing was not right.

But that time did come and I was blown away

By your talent, humor, and charm

All I wanted was to be the girl on your arm.

I clung to every word you said in the phone call that ensued

An hour and ten minutes later, my dream had at last come true.

I had no idea what I was getting into, or how long it would last

All I knew was that this time felt much different than ones past.

You told me you loved me by day sixteen, and I didn’t know what to think

But I said it back, and it took on a new meaning.

The next few months seemed like a blur, and I saw you very little

But I didn’t mind so much, because it made every time more special.

Birthdays passed, and holidays too, but there was still one thing to do

I tried and tried to make it happen, but I was no match for you.

Junior prom soon followed and I was excited to show off my man,

But I never expected the thing that you had planned

That magical moment that was shared,

Was just two days away from our one year.

Year two started and was stronger than ever,

But soon it started to change.

There were more birthdays and more visits

But these time they were not the same.

We just couldn’t seem to find the balance.

Both of us struggling to meet the challenge.

Graduation and celebration in Washington D.C

I was so excited that my grandparents let you come along with me.

This trip was not all I wanted it to be

But at least the tension wasn’t between you and me.

Then came the hardest part of my summer…. two weeks without you

You came back a changed man, but not in the way I expected you to.

A week of camp and acting like I didn’t belong to you

I knew that it was a way to focus, but it wasn’t what I wanted to do.

I knew something was wrong at the end of the week cause you didn’t kiss me goodbye,

It was all I thought about on my way home, and it was so hard not to cry.

But the sadness disappeared a few days later when I heard you were coming by

You didn’t seem all that excited, and I wondered why.

But I soon found out.

I didn’t know how to handle the news, it didn’t seem real

I couldn’t understand how this could happen; I didn’t know what to feel.

I tried to positive; I tried to hold on to hope

But that was not very long lived; I needed a new way to cope.

Anger, bitterness, doubt, and slander became my new norm

This was the beginning of a six month storm.

Crushes formed and I thought of you less and less,

When we did talk it was only a way to prove I wasn’t a mess…that I didn’t need you.

I received a letter filled with hope and love, it was addressed to me from you

I laughed at it, mocked it, and ignored it cause that seemed like what I was supposed to do.

Then all of a sudden, on a most ironic day, I began to think of you again.

It wasn’t in in the ways I had before, it was as a friend.

I began to think of the good old days and how you changed my life

I thought about how much I loved you and how I once wanted to be your wife.

I had to call you.

Your voice was warm and strong, like it was every time,

The only voice that had changed was mine.

After this, we talked daily and I grew finder and fonder,

At night my dreams would take me away and my thoughts began to wonder

Could this happen again?

And it did.

Weeks later and we were back, things were how they were…only better.

They kept getting better as time went on

We were happy, we were wise, we were strong.

But we knew that the credit was not our own.

It belonged to our Father.

I look back on our journey,

Filled with mountains, valleys, and plateaus

But only God knows where our future goes.

BB

Weeping Woman

So during Camp Element last year, I was in a skit for the talent show called "Rag Man". I was, ironically, cast as the weeping woman. The point of this skit was to show the gospel and how Jesus came down to take away our rags, or sins, and bear them himself on the cross. It was a really great reminder of just how great a price Jesus paid for us. During the week that I wrote this  I  felt more connected to the character of the weeping woman than ever. I was at a time in my life filled with discomfort, uncertainty, decisions, growth and of course LOTS of tears.This was written shortly after Jacob and I had broken up and I was really struggling to  find joy or find a reason why this was happening to me. Writing this really helped me get through one of the toughest weeks of my life.

I have cried for many things over many years,
But I cannot remember ever having a time where I shed so many tears.
At times I feel broken, confused, angry and sad.
Other times I feel thankful, hopeful and glad.
Trying to find harmony between heart and head,
Yet nearly every night I find myself lying awake in bed. 
My mind is filled with scripture, and words from the wise,
But my heart is still uncertain and starts to believe the lies.
Everyone keeps telling me that it is for the best,
But there is a part of me that likes to think this is a test 
And that tomorrow I will learn I passed
And everything will be ok at last.
But it’s pointless to set expectations or to plan plans
Because I know that my future is not in my hands.
I still feel torn for most of the day
And I try to convince myself that its better this way.
But it seems so unfair.
Seems like you don’t care
But I know you really do.
I just never thought it would be through.
I need your presence to fill the gap left in this broken heart,
I need you to give me a fresh start.
But for now I am just a weeping woman desperate for your love.
I am just a broken heart in need of healing from above.

PLEASE TAKE THIS RAG FROM ME.


BB

The Girl Who Cried Everything

This is a poem that is really personal and is one of my favorites. One of the things that I am really self conscious about is how sensitive I am and the fact that I feel like I am constantly crying over something. The reason I am so self conscious about it is because I am afraid that I am just going to eventually annoy people so  much with my constant crying that they are just going to leave or stop caring about when I cry. This is a poem that reflects all these things in a somewhat humorous way and how I eventually came to realize that the people in my life love me and care about me just the way I am...tears and all.

“I’m tired” “I’m hungry” “My feelings are hurt”

“I’m too lazy, too crazy” “There’s a stain on my shirt”

“They did it on purpose” “They’re not really my friends”

“I don’t have enough money to keep up with the trends”

These words are like lyrics to a song that she sings;

The constant complaints of the girl who cried everything.

“It’s just cause I’m tired, I’m moody, I’m stressed”

“All I need is some chocolate and maybe some rest”

But the next day the tears flowed down like before

And the people around her couldn’t take anymore.

Their hugs were less frequent, their pats on the back disappeared,

Their words became the same ones that she had heard for years.

Like the bell of a church that hourly rings,

Were the words of the girl who cried everything.

Then one day she realized, she’d pushed them away

She had given them less and less reason to stay

Her tears were drowning the friends she had made

And she knew the reason her relationships decayed.

She would never get the friends, or the job, or the ring

If she couldn’t break away from the girl who cried everything.

All the attention she’d loved getting over the years

Was turning into frustrations, disappointments, and fears.

What once caused concern was becoming routine.

This was the life of the girl who cried everything.

Searching her mind for a reasonable cure

Would she be able to do it? She still wasn’t sure.

The only way to fix this was to not feel at all.

To block all emotions, come big or come small.

She used her stoicism like a sword or a sling

To fight against the girl who cried everything.

This worked for a while, ‘til she had a bad day.

Then there was nothing else for her to say.

She just cried all the tears that’d been stuck behind the wall

And she hoped that there was no one there who saw

All of the pain and the emotions they bring

No more pretending for the girl who cried everything.

But there was someone there, with concern in their eyes.

This was a pleasant unexpected surprise.

I guess things really weren’t as bad as they seemed

For the girl who thought she cried everything. 


BB

Lies and Truth

I wrote this poem after seeing a really cool video at church. In the video there was a passage read that made sense whether it was read forward or backward. Not having the time or energy to create that specific of a piece, I wrote a poem that has a really sudden shift and where the beginning and end are opposites and the middle bring them together. At the time I wrote this, I was really struggling with beliving lies that the enemy told me instead of clinging to the truth that God tells me.

LIES

Silently creeping into your mind.

Like a poison once they are inside.

They come in many forms.

They shake you to the core.

Hard to get rid of.

Even harder to admit that they are.

Can destroy everything beautiful in your life.

Cause feelings of hopelessness, jealousy, anger, or isolation.

Hope restored.

Can repair everything that was previously destroyed.

Hard to remember.

Even harder to admit.

Can shake you to the core.

Has only one real form.

Like the antidote you’ve been searching for.

Slowing regaining control of your life.

TRUTH

BB

In Your Presence

This is a poem that I wrote during a Hunger and Thirst service at my school. I was really struggling with feeling close to God and was begging Him to bring me into His presence so I could feel Him again. When I finally got there all I could do was sit and cry for about 10 minutes. When I finally got to a point where I could see, I knew that I wanted to write about what I just experienced so that I would never forget what it was like to be in the presence of the Lord and to feel His comfort.

In your presence there is peace.

Deeper than a long inhale,

More than just a lack of war.

A peace that leads to an outflow of serenity,

A filling up of content.

In your presence there is comfort.

Better than the softest blanket

Or a cup of coffee.

Comfort that leads to sheer bliss.

In your presence is tranquility.

More soothing than the sound of crashing waves

Or the mist of a waterfall.

In your presence there is love.

More intimate then the wedding night

Or a lover’s first kiss.

It’ indescribable, unconditional, beyond human

The epitome of absolute selflessness.

In your presence is brokenness that leads to restoration.

Greater than just a polishing or buffing

A complete transformation

More than just fixing; its changing

In your presence is completeness.

Like the last piece of a puzzle,

Or the final strokes of an artist’s brush.

In your presence is joy.

Incomparable to that of any earthly pleasure.

Unshifting, consistent, abundant elation

Celebration.

The last line of this poem was especially significant because the theme of the service was celebration and thats exactly how I felt at the end of the night. I hope that I never forget the range of emotions that I felt in that short time and Im glad I have this poem to remind me of it.

BB

Get Your Armor Ready

I don't remember exactly what prompted me to write this poem, but I do know that I meant it to be a call for me and my fellow Christians to put on the armor of God and get ready for battle...

Get your armor ready

Cause temptation’s all around

Get your armor ready

Cause a battle’s going down

Get your armor ready

Cause you don’t know what’s in store

Get your armor ready

There’s about to be a war

Get your armor ready

To take on anger, lust, or pride

Get your armor ready

Then you need to pick a side

Fight or retreat

Victory or defeat

Cause the enemies ahead

Want to keep you spirit dead

Get your armor ready.

For more on the armor of God check out Ephesians 6:10-20.

BB

Freak

This is a poem that I wrote while cleaning the bathrooms at my last job. ( I know that is a strange place for inspiration, but thats what happened). It wasn't the actual bathroom that motivated this poem, but rather the events that happened before. I had never really felt like I was in the "in crowd" at work. I was the girl who was never invited out after work. I didn't like to do the same things that my co-workers did, I didn't like to party, or go clubbing or anything like that and I usually couldn't keep up with the conversations because they were things that I didn't know about or had never experienced. I felt like my co-workers sometimes looked at me like I was a freak.It also talks about how as a Christian, I am always going to be looked at differently because of my faith and because I don't do the things that the world does. That is what inspired this poem...

If life is a circus,

Than I am its freak show

Much like the bearded lady or ten foot tall man

No one seems to understand.

But no one ever said it would be easy

Spending my day in frustration and pain

My actions trying to explain

To a crowd who mocks and yells and laughs

Where jokes are made on my behalf

But no one ever said it would be easy

This mirage of normalcy is just out of my reach

Because I try to practice what I preach

But my reward is societal rejection

And it causes daily deep reflection

Why did He not make this easy?

Narrow is the road I travel

Filled with sticks and stones and gravel

But I know that I am in good company

For many have traveled this road before me:

Martyrs, missionaries, disciples, Christ followers.

And I know for them it wasn’t easy

But we are led by the greatest outcast of them all

Who for our sake broke down sin’s wall

If he was willing a freak to be

Than being a freak is alright with me

BB

Intro to Poetry

So this is a blog I set up so that I can share my poetry with people. I am not a professional poet by any means. I am just a girl who uses poetry as a means to escape or express how I am feeling. I have been wanting to do this for a while now, but I have not had enough poems written to warrant a whole blog dedicated to them. But now that I have a few under my belt I figured the time is right. I hope that these poems make you laugh, make you think, or that you can relate to them in some way. 


"Poetry is a deal of joy and pain and wonder, with a dash of the dictionary".  ~Kahlil Gibran

Enjoy!

BB